Everybody has a secret. But they can keep it. Oh no they can't.

Don't live your years of college thinking its a time for experimentation--it's not, these years count in real life. Why we think it's okay to drink alcohol underage, smoke pot, do drugs, have sex, lead people on, blow people off, etc. just because "we're in college and having fun," I will never know. People pay for the mistakes they made in college just like they do for mistakes in any other period of life. Thank God I'm done. I wouldn't do it again.

oh the smilers they never lose oh and frowners they never win

FOCUS.

Footprints

How is it that I did not know the single set of footprints was Yours?
Am I unable to move myself without Your pace?
Do I need something more?
Is there something I lack?
Am I inadequate? Insufficient? Offtrack?

Tonight I cannot sweat this fever and my mind can't finish the race.
Gmail is turning pink with sunrise and I can't dream a dream that's worth the keep.

Eyes closed, lights off, phone silenced and yet no sleep...

Still I will praise you, still I will praise YOU

Lately, I haven't been able to collect my thoughts long enough to right a decent journal entry. Not even on paper, which would only be my eyes only--that's really strange for me.

I'm still in some weird sort of undeniable funk, which I mostly attribute to my looming graduation and moving-on from school. I can't decide whether to look forward to it or to dread it. I'm scared to leave my family. I'm angry at God because I feel as though I'm getting no sort of guidance. How am I supposed to trust Him when I feel He's let me down so much this semester?

I think He's trying to show me that I'm stronger than I think I am. This is why--

College has made me so selfish. I demand so much attention from people and I'm not sure why. I'm living on my own but yet I'm still so dependent on the University, my parents, my roommates, my friends, etc. I feel like crying out for help but like I've said before, all I do is complain and I can hear people getting tired of it. I've attended church less because I feel uncomfortable and I've made some out-of-character decisions as of late. It's like at first I just wanted people to notice, but instead I'm just getting criticized. How frustrating, right?

In all of this, I've realized that it does no good to judge people for their actions. Instead we must ask why they're choosing the choices they're making. Maybe its a cry for help, to get someone to notice them. I never had anyone really notice but instead it dawned on me that this is probably just another lesson I'm being taught in learning to relate to people. Relating to people--that's where all my lessons seem to be leading towards as I've become deeper in my faith these few years of college. Maybe my selfishness is a way I've been trying to fight it.

I don't want to fight it anymore.

Tell me I'm not spending too much time on happy endings
And my life does not rely on how much love you might be lending me...

You don't always have to hold your head higher than your heart.

I've been struggling lately. A lot. I've had a hard time pinpointing why.

I miss my beautiful friends from this summer.

I'm nearing a lot of big decisions as graduation approaches.

And I feel inadequate in virtually every aspect of my life. Different things are happening that I'm allowing to make me feel that way--in class, at work, with friends.

That's the stuff that keeps me up at night. It's like I'm starving for the attention of those around me and the only way I think I can get it is by complaining--I hear myself doing it and I see people getting annoyed but all I want is everyone to tell me that I'm okay...repeatedly. I know I'm ridiculous.

I had a great conversation a couple of weeks ago with my friend Alicia from this summer, whom I worked with in Hobbs, New Mexico. I told her how stressed out I was about graduation and finding an internship and a job, about my work at the volunteer center and how they make me feel like I'm never doing things right, about my family and friends, and just...everything. She listened to me and told me it sounds like I'm under attack.

Here is my main point (if you're just scrolling through...at least read this)::

Satan attacks us when we're the strongest. I suppose that's because that's when we're the most harmful to him. Something I had never thought about before--Alicia said that Satan hates us the most when we're accepting God's love in a very large capacity. He was once God's beautiful and glorious angel, so he gets jealous as we gain potential to become that.

I guess the important thing to remember is this:

2 Corinthians 3:5 says:

"Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God."

Our potential comes from God and God alone. If we forget that, we allow ourselves to stumble.

Once I stumble, I become more and more susceptible to other things that I wouldn't normally allow myself to become upset about. I feel things keep getting created to make me more and more upset. I want it to stop.

I don't know what steps to take to get out of this, but if anyone else ever feels this way I hope I can help...someday.

GIVE

Something cool I came across today...

You can text GIVE to 2HELP (24357) and donate $5 to the American Red Cross to help fund disaster relief efforts. They add it to your next cellphone bill. How cool is that?

Such a new innovative way for fundraising! I guess you can do it on any AT&T, Alltel, Sprint, T-Mobile USA or Verizon Wireless phone.

I did it--$5 is less than two coffees I don't need to be drinking, a cup for a keg that I don't need to be buying, 5 songs that I can listen to online for free...