Friday, November 28, 2008

Still I will praise you, still I will praise YOU

Lately, I haven't been able to collect my thoughts long enough to right a decent journal entry. Not even on paper, which would only be my eyes only--that's really strange for me.

I'm still in some weird sort of undeniable funk, which I mostly attribute to my looming graduation and moving-on from school. I can't decide whether to look forward to it or to dread it. I'm scared to leave my family. I'm angry at God because I feel as though I'm getting no sort of guidance. How am I supposed to trust Him when I feel He's let me down so much this semester?

I think He's trying to show me that I'm stronger than I think I am. This is why--

College has made me so selfish. I demand so much attention from people and I'm not sure why. I'm living on my own but yet I'm still so dependent on the University, my parents, my roommates, my friends, etc. I feel like crying out for help but like I've said before, all I do is complain and I can hear people getting tired of it. I've attended church less because I feel uncomfortable and I've made some out-of-character decisions as of late. It's like at first I just wanted people to notice, but instead I'm just getting criticized. How frustrating, right?

In all of this, I've realized that it does no good to judge people for their actions. Instead we must ask why they're choosing the choices they're making. Maybe its a cry for help, to get someone to notice them. I never had anyone really notice but instead it dawned on me that this is probably just another lesson I'm being taught in learning to relate to people. Relating to people--that's where all my lessons seem to be leading towards as I've become deeper in my faith these few years of college. Maybe my selfishness is a way I've been trying to fight it.

I don't want to fight it anymore.