Still I will praise you, still I will praise YOU

Lately, I haven't been able to collect my thoughts long enough to right a decent journal entry. Not even on paper, which would only be my eyes only--that's really strange for me.

I'm still in some weird sort of undeniable funk, which I mostly attribute to my looming graduation and moving-on from school. I can't decide whether to look forward to it or to dread it. I'm scared to leave my family. I'm angry at God because I feel as though I'm getting no sort of guidance. How am I supposed to trust Him when I feel He's let me down so much this semester?

I think He's trying to show me that I'm stronger than I think I am. This is why--

College has made me so selfish. I demand so much attention from people and I'm not sure why. I'm living on my own but yet I'm still so dependent on the University, my parents, my roommates, my friends, etc. I feel like crying out for help but like I've said before, all I do is complain and I can hear people getting tired of it. I've attended church less because I feel uncomfortable and I've made some out-of-character decisions as of late. It's like at first I just wanted people to notice, but instead I'm just getting criticized. How frustrating, right?

In all of this, I've realized that it does no good to judge people for their actions. Instead we must ask why they're choosing the choices they're making. Maybe its a cry for help, to get someone to notice them. I never had anyone really notice but instead it dawned on me that this is probably just another lesson I'm being taught in learning to relate to people. Relating to people--that's where all my lessons seem to be leading towards as I've become deeper in my faith these few years of college. Maybe my selfishness is a way I've been trying to fight it.

I don't want to fight it anymore.

Tell me I'm not spending too much time on happy endings
And my life does not rely on how much love you might be lending me...

You don't always have to hold your head higher than your heart.

I've been struggling lately. A lot. I've had a hard time pinpointing why.

I miss my beautiful friends from this summer.

I'm nearing a lot of big decisions as graduation approaches.

And I feel inadequate in virtually every aspect of my life. Different things are happening that I'm allowing to make me feel that way--in class, at work, with friends.

That's the stuff that keeps me up at night. It's like I'm starving for the attention of those around me and the only way I think I can get it is by complaining--I hear myself doing it and I see people getting annoyed but all I want is everyone to tell me that I'm okay...repeatedly. I know I'm ridiculous.

I had a great conversation a couple of weeks ago with my friend Alicia from this summer, whom I worked with in Hobbs, New Mexico. I told her how stressed out I was about graduation and finding an internship and a job, about my work at the volunteer center and how they make me feel like I'm never doing things right, about my family and friends, and just...everything. She listened to me and told me it sounds like I'm under attack.

Here is my main point (if you're just scrolling through...at least read this)::

Satan attacks us when we're the strongest. I suppose that's because that's when we're the most harmful to him. Something I had never thought about before--Alicia said that Satan hates us the most when we're accepting God's love in a very large capacity. He was once God's beautiful and glorious angel, so he gets jealous as we gain potential to become that.

I guess the important thing to remember is this:

2 Corinthians 3:5 says:

"Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God."

Our potential comes from God and God alone. If we forget that, we allow ourselves to stumble.

Once I stumble, I become more and more susceptible to other things that I wouldn't normally allow myself to become upset about. I feel things keep getting created to make me more and more upset. I want it to stop.

I don't know what steps to take to get out of this, but if anyone else ever feels this way I hope I can help...someday.

GIVE

Something cool I came across today...

You can text GIVE to 2HELP (24357) and donate $5 to the American Red Cross to help fund disaster relief efforts. They add it to your next cellphone bill. How cool is that?

Such a new innovative way for fundraising! I guess you can do it on any AT&T, Alltel, Sprint, T-Mobile USA or Verizon Wireless phone.

I did it--$5 is less than two coffees I don't need to be drinking, a cup for a keg that I don't need to be buying, 5 songs that I can listen to online for free...

1 John 3:18

"Dear children, we must not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions."


This is why we have to choose to always love each other.

But where is the line between caring for our own wellbeing and putting others before ourselves? If we don't care for ourselves, then eventually we will no long be able to help those around us.

I care a hell of a lot for my friends and I try so hard to show it. Since I do my best, I expect those that love me to do their best too and when I feel unloved or let down, I become bitter and I stop doing those things. It's made me become unthoughtful and selfish.

I need to choose to start loving again. Without expectations. Bitterness helps no one.

Sometimes I can't help but to allow my faith to be shaken.

I guess thats what makes me human.

take your hesitance and your self defense,
leave them behind,
it's only life,
don't be so afraid of facing every day,
just take your time,
it's only life,
i'll be your stepping stone,
don't be so alone,
just hold on tight,
it's only life,
oh...don't look away, don't run away,
baby it's only life,

don't lose your faith,
don't run away, baby,
it's only life

Let the bass from the speakers run through ya sneakers

While I run, I listen to my ipod and lately I've been playing my "Love Out Loud" playlist--all the songs from the Workcamp program this summer.

Take it All by Hillsongs United is at the exact same beat as my pace when I run.

This is corny but today I was thinking about how anxious I am to start school because once senior year begins, it's going to be gone and then I'm going to have to make some extreme real life choices. If I let myself think about it too long, my heartbeat seriously rises because I get so worked up. Maybe I should use the song in my everyday life, rather than just when I run.

You sent your Son,
From heaven to earth.
Delivered us all,
It's eternally heard.
I searched for truth,
And all I found was You.
My God,
I'll only ever give my all.

Fear?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

Morning

From now on I'm gonna start holding my breath
when you come around and you flex that fake grin,
cause something inside me has said more than twice
that breathing less air beats breathing you in.

Prayin for Daylight

"You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it's kinda crazy that a woman is running, because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff. Like, I'm so moody all the time, I know I couldn't be able to run a country, 'cause I'd be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, ya know?"

- Brooke Hogan

Not that I ever though Brooke Hogan had some sort of massive intelligence behind her appearance in the media, but I always give the benefit of the doubt. A friend sent me this quote a few weeks ago and I'm just now dwelling on it. Brooke Hogan is becoming a media role model for young girls, whether she likes it or not, because she was a judge on America's Prom Queen and she has her own television show--both of which are watched by young teenage girls who are largely influenced by the media. Uggggggh! She wasted her breath after she was asked who she was voting for in the election, because this comment has done no one any good. Thank God for Rock the Vote and Declare Yourself, organizations who work hard to get young people at the polls, because as much as I hate to admit it, so much of America is influenced by the shiny people we see on tv.

what you feel is what you are and what you are is Beautiful

I wish I understood what C. S. Lewis was thinking as he wrote The Screwtape Letters. My crew and I read a chapter each night in order to spur conversation, and I've learned so much from just bits and pieces of his writings. He uses such big words (though I guess...they are the "right" words--as bigger words always are.) Hah. Anyways, I recommend the book if you're into learning new words!

Also, I've thought a lot about the chapter we read a few nights ago. It talked about Humility. I think that most of us consider the opposite of Humility is to be overly proud in our works--that is, thinking our talents are better than others', or that we're even more talented than anyone else and any (or every) aspect of our lives. Therefore, in attemps to be Humble in our every day lives, we push ourselves down and consider ourselves uglier than others, dumber than others, less creative than others, and we fail to take credit where credit is due.

To embrace Humility is to take pride in our works, but to not believe it is any better than others'. God has given us talents and when we don't embrace them, we're telling God He didn't do a good job. To be Humble is to know what you're good at and and to be confident, but to not compare ourselves to anyone else.

Can you imagine what the world would be if we didn't compare ourselves to other girls, other guys, to actors and actresses, to models in magazines and characters on TV?

So different--that is, if you're anything like me.

I've got a hand full of dreams and a heart full of God.

This camp is pretty amazing--who knew workcamp could be enjoyable as a summer staff?! Haha. Like I said before, I'm so grateful for the difference this summer is from two summers ago. Almost everything is perfect.

I say almost because last night I found myself missing Spring Hill. I was sulky, to say the least, especially as I listened to Tiffany talk about all the campers shes met and such. It makes me miss my campers as a counselor last summer. I miss inside jokes and gaining their approval as a counselor. As a red shirt staff, I don't get that same sort of affirmation. I shouldn't need it...but it's a struggle as I wish for it.

I also don't feel challenged spiritually here--but I guess that in itself is the challenge. At Spring Hill, I felt constantly challenged in my spiritual and prayer life because I was so aware of the impact it would have on my girls if I wasn't. Here, I don't feel that need, so in turn, I don't meet the challenge. God is using me in a different way this summer and I'm not sure how to meet it. I forget quiet time and it scares me that I'm not striving for it...

Lately I am constantly searching for my purpose here...I'm just unsure..."

I was sicky on Monday with some sort of tummy aches and I'm still exhausted from it, so I'm sure that has something to do with my contemplative mood recently.

The package I received from home and a note from a friend made me smile today (not that I need reasons to smile!), but thank you!

miss you.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for You

I am so blessed.

Here I am in Estes Park, CO surrounded by some of the greatest people ever. I've had such a great time at training so far. Who knew I'd be back here in this place--physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I took this yesterday:


Training is tiring but I'm not a freak-o like I was two years ago. I was such a ball of anxiety, but since I've already been through it, I know what to expect. I'm more chill now and I'm praying I stay this way all summer long.

My crew--amazing--three girls who I'm looking forward to getting to know them this summer. I just think we're going to work so well together. Anything is an upgrade from my last experience, but I truly believe I've been blessed with these people this summer.

OH! Here is where I'm going:

Ogden, Utah
Hobbs, New Mexico
Tishomingo, Oklahoma

Sweet huh? Nowhere near home, but then again, why do I need to go home?

call me norman 'cause I'm known to rockwell

I've been obsessed with online journals since I was 13. It's kind of embarrassing, but I love the thought of people reading my thoughts! I think it has to do with my fascination of The Diary of Anne Frank when I was little.

Nonetheless, this summer will be filled with opportunities to share stories and thoughts and probably a million frustrations.

I still can't believe I chose to do Group Workcamp again. I'm thinking positive thoughts though--I'm much more mature and less in need of affirmation as I was two summers ago.

23 days until I'm in the Rockiessss!