Sunday, September 28, 2008

You don't always have to hold your head higher than your heart.

I've been struggling lately. A lot. I've had a hard time pinpointing why.

I miss my beautiful friends from this summer.

I'm nearing a lot of big decisions as graduation approaches.

And I feel inadequate in virtually every aspect of my life. Different things are happening that I'm allowing to make me feel that way--in class, at work, with friends.

That's the stuff that keeps me up at night. It's like I'm starving for the attention of those around me and the only way I think I can get it is by complaining--I hear myself doing it and I see people getting annoyed but all I want is everyone to tell me that I'm okay...repeatedly. I know I'm ridiculous.

I had a great conversation a couple of weeks ago with my friend Alicia from this summer, whom I worked with in Hobbs, New Mexico. I told her how stressed out I was about graduation and finding an internship and a job, about my work at the volunteer center and how they make me feel like I'm never doing things right, about my family and friends, and just...everything. She listened to me and told me it sounds like I'm under attack.

Here is my main point (if you're just scrolling least read this)::

Satan attacks us when we're the strongest. I suppose that's because that's when we're the most harmful to him. Something I had never thought about before--Alicia said that Satan hates us the most when we're accepting God's love in a very large capacity. He was once God's beautiful and glorious angel, so he gets jealous as we gain potential to become that.

I guess the important thing to remember is this:

2 Corinthians 3:5 says:

"Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God."

Our potential comes from God and God alone. If we forget that, we allow ourselves to stumble.

Once I stumble, I become more and more susceptible to other things that I wouldn't normally allow myself to become upset about. I feel things keep getting created to make me more and more upset. I want it to stop.

I don't know what steps to take to get out of this, but if anyone else ever feels this way I hope I can help...someday.

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